Week of November 11, 2012:
Monday: Yoga (Dave Farmar’s 20-minute session)
Tuesday: Bike commute
Wednesday: Errands by bike + 30-minute evening run
Thursday: Off (off drinking wine again!)
Friday: Bike commute to work
Saturday: Short bike ride for groceries + 20-minute afternoon run
Total minutes run this week: 110! Woo-hoo!
Week of November 18, 2012:
Sunday: Long run (40 minutes)
Well! What a week that was. Last week I was somewhat frantically trying to rewrite and revise a grant that needs to be submitted by the end of this month. By the time Friday rolled around, I was completely drained. When I’m really tired mentally, I tend to become sad and broody, so I’ve been thinking too much about sad things lately. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to spend some time brooding, which for me is a little like creative brainstorming about your problems. I seem to have a recurring loop going in my head which sounds like this:
IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!
Well, maybe it’s not ALL his fault...
YES, IT IS!
Are you sure? Because I think you said you were okay with this, that, and the other thing.
STOP DEFENDING HIM! IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!
I think you’re being cruel.
No, you really are being cruel. What happened to kindness?
I HATE YOU!
No, you don’t. You’re just being broody.
YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT. BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER TO BLAME HIM.
He’s not perfect, and you’re not either. No relationship has any lasting power if the people in it are expected to be perfect. All you can do is be gentle with yourself. Go take a bubble bath.
I DON’T HAVE ANY BUBBLES!
Okay, we’ll buy some the next time we’re at Target.
OKAY, I LIKE THAT IDEA.
It’s pretty obvious what I’m brooding about, right? I sort of laugh when people tell me how mature I seem when I talk about this year’s breakup because most of the time, I do not feel mature at all. I feel anything but mature. I try, however, to trust the process, and myself, and even Matt to carry me through to a happier time. I have not arrived at that happier time, not yet. It’s been a terrible year, in all kinds of ways, and the upcoming holidays and my birthday seem like poignant reminders of all that I have lost. Mostly I can’t wait until this goddamn year is OVER. Even though I know the calendar won’t magically make everything better on January 1st, I am ready for a metaphorical fresh start after a year of heartbreak.
Anyway, I finished a decent working draft for the grant, and I’ve been trying to recover this weekend. I made a lentil-and-pasta stew (which I’d make again, but I’d double all the vegetables next time), dates soaked in a coffee/cinnamon/cardamom syrup (which sounded like a good idea, but I think the cardamom was too much), and a batch of my favorite cookies. I went for a walk, two runs, and a bike ride. I chatted with my brother on Facebook and my dear friend Nicole on the phone. I bought a birthday present and updated my wish list. I slept a lot. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately, which I think indicates how mentally drained I’ve been by the grant. I received some beautiful sweet potatoes from my colleague Christopher, which I’m going to turn into dinner tonight. And so far, I have done no science work at all, which means that maybe I’ll feel ready to dive back into everything tomorrow.
Oh, and about those photos! They are from two weeks ago, when I took a morning trip to Panera for a Pumpkin Spice Latte and some grant-writing. I am so, so happy to see that they have awesome bike racks at Panera. Bike racks make me happy and much more likely to return on two wheels. (It’s much better to travel by two wheels than by four, right? Right.) And the PSL was delicious and beautiful, but I think for me, the sweet coffee drinks work better as a dessert after lunch rather than my morning coffee. I like my morning coffee to be more about the coffee and less about the frills.
Have a good week, my dears! I hope you have much for which to be thankful.